Eva Takeover - 10 Things No-One Told Me About Being A Baby

Hi, my name's Eva and I'm a milkaholic.

But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I've hijacked my mummy's blog for a very important reason... to defend babies everywhere! Mummy thinks she's got it bad with her '20 things no-one told me about becoming a new mummy' post, but this baby malarkey is no walk in the park either. Apart from when mummy takes me for a walk in the park.

Luckily I've found a new use for these dangly things at the ends of my hands that I like to chew on, and I've learnt to type! I'm very advanced, despite the act I put on in front of mummy and daddy to get them to do everything for me, the fools.

So here are 10 things no-one told me about being a baby... it's a tough old life!

1. Once mummy's done spinning me round, throwing me over her shoulder and thumping me on my back to get a burp out sometimes I decide to throw-up all the milk I've just wolfed down, and I try my best to aim it all over mummy. It makes eating messier and I just LOVE making a mess.

2. Even though I scream my little lungs out whenever mummy gives me Infacol, I can't burp without it. Who'd have thunk it? For once mummy's outsmarted me. But I still yell at her everytime she gives me it, just for lols.

3. Smiling gets you out of trouble. My personal favourite is smiling just before I throw-up. I find it lulls mummy and daddy into a false sense of security and really takes the edge off!

4. As much as I love my red cow toy and my singing flower, what really makes me happy is the shadow of mummy and daddy's wardrobe. HOW IS IT HAPPENING?!

5. Sometimes I hold my poo in for 2 or 3 days and then explode it all over myself and my outfit, just after mummy's got me dressed for the day. It means I get an extra bath and I bloody love bath time! This is another time when one of those smiles comes in handy too... #mummymanipulation.

6. I really enjoy listening to mummy singing slightly inappropriate songs. My favourites at the moment are Natty - Bedroom Eyes and Elbow - Grounds For Divorce. But my best song EVER is Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry Be Happy. That one sends me straight to sleep even with mummy's rubbish singing voice, so that's saying something!

7. I don't like to nap without my musical seahorse playing my naptime jams, even though it turns itself off after a minute or two so mummy has to frantically run in and turn it back on again before I wake up. What a laugh!

8. Mummy's hair feels reeeeeally nice. My favourite time to grab it is when she's either carrying or feeding me so her hands are full. This means I get to tug on it for longer, and I'm surprisingly strong! Just one of my many talents.

9. As much as I fuss when I want my dummy, I'll also fuss when I don't want it anymore. And sometimes I enjoy having the end of it just touching my lips. Good luck figuring that one out! Muhahahaha.

10. My favourite party trick is doing grown-up sized burps and farts. I think I learnt my burps from mummy and my farts from daddy, and the best part is that mum and dad applaud me when I do it! Otherwise my tummy hurts and I scream for hours, so either way I get to be naughty which is my second favourite thing to do. My first favourite is staring at the wardrobe shadow. HOW DOES IT FRIKKING DO THAT?!

Oops I've got to dash, mummy's coming back and it looks like she's got the Infacol, so it's my time to shine.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

20 Things No-One Told Me About Becoming A New Mummy

1. There will be plenty of days when you won’t be able to shower or brush your teeth until you have back-up (until Sam gets home from work), instead you will be pooed on, sicked on and dribbled on. Yay for being clean!

2. Being a mum is the best diet ever! There’s no time to eat… that is unless you survive off cookies. They’re easy to grab on the go.. Don't judge me :-)

3. A hot dinner is very rare. Say hello to cold chicken kievs with a side serving of cold beans. Mmmmmmm my fave.

4. You will do ANYTHING to make your baby smile!

5. Changing nappies isn’t actually that bad. When you breathe through your mouth.

6. Even if you have an unlimited amount of bibs and burp cloths, you will always run out of bibs and burp cloths.

7. Babies get real life acne! But they still have the best, softest, yummiest skin in the world, so don't worry.

8. The first few weeks aren’t always the hardest. Weeks 9-12 were hardest for us, which are the weeks everyone tells you will be sooo much better.

9. Infacol will save your life, or in other words - make your baby burp. It's not always as simple as a quick pat on the back, so forget everything that films/TV shows like to tell you. Dammit.

10. Babies don’t always like to lie on their back… which means mum and dad get to stay up all night cuddling, rocking and holding the little darling - wahooooo!

11. You will sit and stare at your baby doing absolutely nothing for hours on end and not get bored.

12. You will miss your old life no matter how great your new one is. I miss spontaneous adventures and "just nipping out" so much!

13. You will have the best and weirdest conversations with your baby pretending they're saying slightly inappropriate things.

14. You will make up ridiculous songs and sing them a lot.

15. Dad jokes are real. Sam enjoys saying “just call me Steve Jobs” whilst he does jobs around the house, ho ho ho.

16. Babies can (and will) PROJECTILE poo.

17. Baby poo looks like MUSTARD.

18. You will have a ridiculous amount of conversations about poo.

19.  It can be SO hard to leave the house without another person (or ten) to help. And if you do just about manage it your baby will throw up/ poo/ scream JUST as you're about to walk out the door.

20. You will worry about  every single thing, even when the rational part of your brain tells you to chill out… “OH MY GOD SHE HAS SLEEP DUST IN HER EYE!”

1 thing everyone did tell me about being a new mummy

1. It's true what they say, it is all worth it.

See you soon!!

xx